…Or Person Thinking of Leaving Training In Power or Person Who Has Left Training in Power and is Wondering What the Fuck Just Happened
I was a member of TIP for about 14 years. I left it over a decade ago and am only just starting to really be able to articulate the harm this group caused me.
I took Level 1 the first time in 1992. My teacher was one of the very first people to teach Level 1 other than The Founder of the group. My teacher was also my boss at work and I greatly admired her. I enjoyed Level 1. I wanted everything TIP promised. I loved that it was “science based”. I wanted to be psychic and magical. I wanted to love myself unconditionally. I wanted to heal from the damage of my past trauma. I wanted to be a better human. I wanted to be of Service and help the world. I wanted to be able to manifest all my greatest desires. I wanted to never get sick again. I wanted to have “energetic shielding” that would keep me safe. I wanted to be able to communicate with plants and crystals. I wanted an education. I really wanted to be able to meditate and connect with a higher power. I wanted to connect with the Divine, but also distance myself from The Catholic Church I grew up in. TIP really seemed to be the perfect system for learning so much and connecting to “Source” or God or “The Universe” without the patriarchal bullshit of thousands of years of dogma. TIP was founded by a woman, run by women and mostly populated by women. It felt safe and nurturing and good. I was welcomed with open arms. Treated well. Told I was lovable and loved. Who wouldn’t want these things really?
The first time I went to a Level 1 month end meeting it was run by the Founder of TIP, Faye Fitzgerald. I was told it was a great honour to be “addressed” by her in a meeting and get to witness her work. I didn’t know what to expect, but a type of group therapy session is what unfolded. When it was my turn to share with the whole group I was honest and scared and genuinely hoped for help sorting out my life and instead I felt like I was emotionally ripped apart. Faye’s response to my share was harsh and demeaning and I was labeled as ‘angry’, a label I never lost in TIP. I was indeed furious at being treated that way, and decided then that I would never return and that the Founder was, frankly, a nut job.
But I literally went to my job everyday with many people that did “The Work” (as TIP was often called within the group), and they as individuals still seemed kind and smart and like they had their lives together. They encouraged me to just keep at it. Said that I had just misunderstood Faye, that she was communicating with me in a way she felt I could best hear her, but that I was projecting my anger for my own mother onto her. That if I just did The Work my life would improve so much. I could heal myself and heal the world – how could I give up on that because of a simple misunderstanding? I wanted to fit in, so I kept on with it.
I took Level 1 two more times over the next few years. I didn’t go to any more monthly meetings or get the healings and clearings required to move on to Level 2, but still I started to feel like maybe I did love myself, and maybe my life was improving and maybe, just maybe that was a direct result of The Work. I moved to a new country, married, got pregnant. Things seemed so good. But my marriage broke down quickly, I experienced severe postpartum depression and I found myself back in Vancouver as a very young single mother. One of the people that listened and helped me so much at that time was the only person I still knew who was in TIP. She encouraged me to come back to it. Try going to the monthly meetings again. Help myself so I could be a better parent.
Depressed, feeling alone and really feeling incapable of good decision making, I felt that since without TIP my life had gone to shit maybe it was the answer after all. I trusted my friend more than myself at that point so I dove in head first. Gave TIP my everything. I went to the meetings, got the clearings. I don’t blame my friend for my getting involved again. I needed support and TIP seemed like the only support going to me at the time. TIP was a community, and I really needed a community.
I carried on in the Levels. I spent money taking more courses TIP offered instead of buying food for myself and my kid. I traveled to Seattle to go to meetings instead of spending my one weekend day with my kid. I lived in a basement suite I could barely stand up in so I could afford to do The Work. Faye bought a house and had a new car.
I sincerely claimed all the titles TIP said I had earned. I was a student of Metaphysics, a clair-voyant, a Prophet, a Shaman, a Warrior, a Master.
I had 17 energy shields eventually. I was told to be constantly vigilant, on the watch for energetic attack that was always trying to “take me out”. I was told shadowy figures would try and push me down stairs. There was energy sharks and dangerous vortexes. I was told there was negative forces in the world that were literally always trying to kill me. I had to stay vigilant. I had to claim my power, stay in my power and use my power ‘properly’ to stay safe.
I cleaned my aura daily. I tried to meditate for the minimum of an hour a day that TIP recommended, on top of being a single parent and having a full time job. I read every suggested book and article. I did my best to keep “energy vampires”, which the world is apparently full of, at bay from myself and others. I went to all the meetings I could get to. I went to the parties TIP had. I took out a loan from the bank to pay to go to a Spiritual retreat, and it took me 3 years to pay it back. I lent another Trainer money to go to a retreat even though I had to get it out on my credit card, because I believed so strongly that the Work was that important. That the more people that did it, the better the world would be.
I deprived myself of sleep because TIP told me I was “sleeping my life away”. I tried my best to bring other people into the Work. I told anyone who would listen how great TIP was and all it had done to help me. We were expected to recruit people. And yet we were not allowed to entice people into the Work by telling them exactly what we did because that was considered “casting our pearls before swine.” Folks had to pay to take the classes in order to be ‘safe’ getting the knowledge Faye and her teachers were imparting only during the “power transference” that happened during class, so we had to bring them into the Work with generalizations only.
I believed I was clearing trapped souls from energetic planes that only other Trainers of a certain level were vibrationally ‘high’ enough to see. I had an energetic sword that I used to energetically cut people’s heads off constantly, which we were told would help them, obviously. I had Guides who could appear to me as famous figures. I had access to all the knowledge in the Universe. I had an Army of Beings of Light to back me up at all times.
I was one of the founders of The Parent’s Group in TIP. I was one of the first people to take The Parent’s Course. A class un-ironically created and taught by a woman without kids. I wrote meditations for meetings. I worked the meetings (the kind I had once sworn I would never even attend again.) I “cleared” people. I wrote the intros to the monthly focuses, gave the meditations. I did this for years before I was told by an upper level that I apparently wasn’t strong enough to do it.
I had a mentor in TIP and was a mentor to others. I felt important, I was proud to be contributing to others’ healing journeys. I was part of a lineage, part of a chosen family that felt more important to me than my family of origin. In fact, I disconnected from my family of origin as I was lead to believe they were most of the reason I was so damaged in life. TIP and the people in it became my whole world. I worked so I could pay for classes and get to meetings and do healings. We were told to be “in the world, but not of it”. In hindsight, how else was The Founder going to make a living? She needed us to be making money so we could pay to take her classes. I thought I’d be saving money doing this work instead of getting professional therapy and in the end I spent more than getting my own PHD in psychology would have cost. A lot more.
I did in person energy healings with my fellow Level mates once a week. Sometimes these healings lasted 8 hours, on a weeknight. If we complained about this we were told that we were doing the healings wrong.
I didn’t drink because TIP said alcohol would lower my vibration, but smoking pot was ok because it was seen as a drug that expanded our parameters, so I smoked a lot of it. As did The Founder. I smoked pot with her as often as I could. It made me feel special to spend time outside of classes or meetings with her. I even connected her to my pot dealer when she needed it. It was during one of these smoking sessions that the Founder strongly suggested to me that it was obvious to her that my child was being sexually abused. That it was in my child’s energy and it was obvious to anyone who really knew how to look for such things. She never said “your kid is being abused” because as with so many things in TIP she was always so conscious of having us ‘come to our own conclusions’ so she couldn’t ever be accused of directly misleading us. I knew what she meant though and I convinced myself it was true, not because I knew it to be beyond a shadow of a doubt myself, but because I was so sure that if Faye saw it, hinted of it, pushed me towards it, it must be true. I ended up taking my ex to court over these accusations. The Ministry for Child Welfare and social services got involved. There was no proof of any harm and I was the one who was scrutinized for making false claims. At the time I felt like the abuse not being seen by the system was obviously a result sexism and a refusal in our culture as a whole to acknowledge sexual abuse. I risked my relationship with my kid. I absolutely destroyed an already shaky relationship with my ex. It was over 20 years ago and I still see direct consequences from my actions today.
At one point in my training, I paid to get an extra healing session with the Founder and in it she accused me of being, and I quote directly, “a fake and a flake”. I cried for hours over this. Yet I was so committed to The Work by that point that instead of turning me away from TIP, it only made me want to try harder to prove myself to her.
The Founder said regularly that all she needed was “20 people with the right Training and she could change the world” and I, like so many in the group I think, wanted so badly to be one of the 20. One of the extra special, in a group of special people.
The Founder regularly shamed me personally. Called me a fake and a flake (as I mentioned), used my anger in a meeting as an example of how toxic anger could be. Yelled at me at classes. I usually forgot these instances immediately and it was only when other people reminded me of them happening that I would have vague memories of my own discomfort . To this day I don’t recall most of the instances directly, but have had other people bring them up as being shocking and horrible to watch. I now often think about how clever it was of Faye to label me as angry so early on. That way when I express my fury about how she treated me, (like right now for example) my rage can be easily dismissed.
The Founder invited me to join 2 separate Multi Level Marketing schemes over the years. Told me that if I just used a tool I was taught right in Level 1 I could see just how successful they were going to be. I declined. I now imagine the insidiousness of joining one high control group (an MLM) while being controlled by the Founder of a high control group (TIP ).
I lead a Community Healing Group that would do energy healings on anyone who requested help. If they didn’t heal it was because they were willfully holding on to their wounds/illnesses or maybe just weren’t ready to stay on this planet right now, but never because what we were doing wasn’t effective. We made predictions about the future in a class. If it didn’t come true it was obviously just an issue of our interpretation of the visions we’d seen.
I, and all of TIP, was actively discouraged from seeking medical help with mental health issues in particular. The Work, we were told, was far more effective than psychology or pharmacology. We were to pull ourselves up by the energetic boot straps and get it together. Depression? Energy Issue. Checked in to a mental hospital? You were having a Spiritual experience, not a psychological one. Even cancer was an energy issue. Disability? Energy issue.
When I finally left TIP, I spent a year working with an actual psychologist for an hour every single week. I learned CBT techniques and calming techniques that were more effective than well over a decade of TIP Work. After about 5 years out of TIP I finally convinced myself that it was ok to take an anti anxiety/anti-depressant drug and was stunned at how much better I felt! I was genuinely shocked at how effective it was. My problems weren’t because I was running kungzi energy. Drugs and professional help aren’t a cop out. But they sure did pull me further away from the Training, the very thing I suspect the Founder wanted to prevent by telling us how abusive and unhelpful those systems were.
It took me years to actually leave though. If I’m honest there was cracks in my belief for ages before I got out. Learning in Level 6 that we had to get everyone who we did a Level 1 clearing on to see and acknowledge their sexual abuse without ever saying to them they were sexually abused(like Faye had done about my daughter years before)was the beginning. TIP genuinely believes that every single Level 1 student has absolutely been sexually abused. Bar none. Which, given TIP feel everyone on the planet would benefit from doing the Work means they believe every one of us has been sexually abused.
My doubts continued growing when The Founder kept regularly shaming me in public at classes and meetings. And also while watching the Founder shame others in public at events. It grew watching The Founder behave in obviously abusive ways but having “upper Level” TIP members cover for her and explain her behaviour away as “attack” on her or just as our own misconception or projection. They grew watching The Founder change the organization legally from a Church to an Academy so she could make better use of tax regulations. They grew when The Founder claimed she was the God Mars returned to help save us and also she was the reincarnation of Christ and so many other culturally important beings.
My doubts kept on growing when I realized how much time and money I was spending to ostensibly become a better parent instead of spending that time and money actually being with my kid. They grew when I realized The Founder was going to just keep adding new Levels to the Work forever, theoretically because she was always being provided with new insights as to how to save the world but really so she could just keep making money. What other school’s degree program never ends?
My doubts grew when I realized that a big part of why I stayed was because The Founder said things like “If you leave you will fall in vibration not just to where you were when you started this Work but to as far below that as I have brought you up.” I stayed because all my friends and lovers and comrades were in the TIP and if I left I thought I would be alone. I stayed because The Founder always said “Take what you like and leave the rest” so I should just be able to ignore the obvious problems and enjoy the perks right? After all, this Work had helped me right? It wasn’t that bad, I reasoned.
But here’s the thing, it is that bad. Any benefit I got from TIP I could have gotten from other far less worrisome and expensive means. TIP claims that if you could be enlightened from reading a self help book everyone would do it, but I actually learned the best meditation technique I know and still use from reading a book long after I left The Work.
And the long term effects on me of being in this high control group have been deep and very real.
I have experienced anxiety so severe I’ve been hospitalized for it. It took years to start healing the damage to my relationships with my family of origin. I struggled to create attachments with partners, to the point where I honestly thought I would never have a long term relationship again. I’ve experienced extreme paranoia. Certainty that forces in the Universe were out to get me. I deeply regret many parenting choices I made because of what I was learning in TIP.
I feared the repercussions of leaving or of speaking out against the group. I worried about Faye suing me for libel if I ever talked about the abuse and gas lighting I’d experienced at her hand. I feared being labeled a heretic, crazy, an ingrate, too stupid to really understand what TIP is even doing.
I worried about all the very personal and sensitive information I had shared with members of the group being used against me. What if all the class assignments I’d handed in over the years were exposed? What if all the shares I’d made at meetings were brought up? What if I was blackmailed?
When I left TIP I didn’t even really know how to interact with people who weren’t part of the group. I was so used to using the TIP jargon and in-jokes that it was hard to do otherwise for a long time.
When I left I mourned the loss of the friendships I’d loved and cherished in TIP. Old friends felt I had betrayed them and their sacred trust. I was accused of being a horrible friend and person. I was crushed by my lack of control about what others in TIP thought or said about me after all the years of how important they all were to me.
I feel so much shame about my enthusiastic support of TIP’s extreme cultural appropriation and racism. I am not a Shaman. I do not have a Power Animal. The Bodhi Satva vow is not for me to casually claim. Gurus in India were not going to look at me and single me out as powerful. I am deeply disturbed by the white privilege I accepted without question in claiming and believing I could be these things. It makes me feel ill thinking about it to this day.
I felt so isolated when I left. Alone again in the same way I felt I was when I had joined the group full on to begin with. I feared I would never connect that deeply with so many different types of people ever again.
I also felt a complete lack of trust in my ability to make decisions for myself, again. I felt like such a fuck up. I’d spent over a decade in TIP seemingly learning how to “trust my gut” and had failed so badly by trusting a cult with a charismatic leader instead. I really thought it was the path with heart, as Carlos Castaneda would say. When I left I could barely decide what to have for dinner without doubting myself.
I still feel so much shame and guilt. About introducing other people to the Work. About the amount of money I spent. About the time I lost. About the judgment I had of other people who’d left TIP. I feel real sadness at the harm I’ve caused others as a direct result of TIP. I accused a man who loves his kid very much of having sex with her. I took him to court and put that on permanent record. I can never take that back.
TIP is absolutely not “science based”. I am not from another planet or time space continuum. I am made of stardust – but so is basically everything on earth if you dig into it. Faye Fitzgerald doesn’t know a fucking thing about Quantum Physics that you can’t find on google. She is not a scientist. She has no special insight into the workings of the world. Your life will absolutely not fall apart if you leave. You will not sink as far down as you went up vibrationally. That light bulb that blew when you walked into the room? That computer that won’t work? That isn’t happening because your waterfall shield isn’t strong enough. It’s happening because sometimes light bulbs and computers don’t work.
The implication in TIP was always if you didn’t “get it” or if you left it was because you were not intellectually adept enough to understand. And I definitely always thought that I would never be stupid enough to join a cult, therefore The Training couldn’t be a cult. But really it’s not a matter of intellect, it’s a matter of vulnerability. You may not think you are or were particularly vulnerable when you joined, but perhaps that warrants another look from a distance and maybe even with some professional help? I was so vulnerable, but couldn’t see it or acknowledge it at the time or for all the years that I was so deeply involved.
So because of all this, I can no longer just leave everyone in TIP to do the Work they do and just go on my merry way. I wrote a letter to Faye when I left the group saying I hoped to always be considered a member in good standing and I take that back now. TIP is still actively recruiting folks into a high control group, a group that is ultimately more harmful than good. I want no part of it. It’s a group that is unquestionably a cult. A group whose purpose isn’t to save the world but to feed the Founders ego and pocket book. The work you’re doing in TIP may have helped you personally, but honestly you could have received that help in other ways that don’t support a cult.
So I write this in hopes of keeping you, dear reader, from taking any TIP courses. And to encourage you to leave the organization if you have been on the fence for a while but fear what leaving will look like. And if you have left TIP after getting involved, to let you know that the discomfort and confusion you may be experiencing will pass. You can get help and move on with your life.
Yes, leaving is hard. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done in fact. Yes, the “sunk cost fallacy” (I leave you to google that term) feels real, but getting out is better than staying I assure you.
I can honestly say I am far better off now than I ever was in TIP. My mental health is better. My relationships are deeper. My parenting has improved. My life skills are stronger. I genuinely feel like I am living my life now. A real, loving, full, wonderful life. I feel freer than TIP ever helped me feel.
So, don’t start the Work if you are considering it. Jump ship if you are in it and know it no longer serves you. Staying in any way only buoys TIP and helps them gain other vulnerable souls. And if you have left, know that I and many others support that decision. Seek professional help. Don’t worry about what those in the group will say about you. You deserve a life free of control.
Sincerely and with love,
Zed