Borderline Personality Disorder
Many BPD personalities are strong and create and uphold a strong grasp on the reality of those around them. A narcissistic BPD with charisma convinces and controls those who are needy and those who had authoritarian structures within their family of origin. A ‘reality’ could possibly look like: the creation of an unsafe evil world that you need to be saved from, or possibly the creation of a reality in which the only way to have true power is to do battle within a leader’s own specific structure. Early abuse that conditions you to need approval might lead you to be caught in, believe in, identify with, respond to, and idealize an abuser’s reality.
BPD presents a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, affects (mood swings), and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Desperation / rage if they think they are being abandoned (with partners or members of the training thus the emphasis on loyalty), intense feelings of sadness, loss and fear when their partner is away, a need to have access to the partner at all times, inability to allow their partner their own life and friends, a belief that healthy independence in their partner is a threat to them.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. The partner of the person with BPD, friends, coworkers or the person with BPD them self is seen as wonderful or perfect, or as evil and rotten. People and things are seen as rigidly black and white by people with BPD – there is no normal middle ground. People with BPD are highly intolerant of / unable to deal with the gray areas in life. This is called “splitting.” (additional info: Splitting is a complex defense mechanism in which others are seen as either all good, and thus caring, rescuing sources of strength, or all bad and thus to blame for all one’s own misery. To be in a close relationship with a splitter is extremely confusing (but rarely dull), because the roles frequently reverse, often several times a day, so one is never quite sure where one stands. Splitters can wreak havoc in groups because they tend to get others to play out their assigned roles; no one is permitted to be merely human, a combination of good and bad.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. Confusion about goals, career, life choices, sexuality or sexual orientation. Persistent questions and discomfort with their perceived role in life. Pervasive issues related to ” who am I” and “what is my role in the world”. Many people with BPD change careers frequently or enter careers that give them a clearly defined framework and sense of identity, like large corporations or the military. Others fall prey to (or CREATE) cults or fundamentalist religions that control all aspects of their life. Fundamentalism can be comforting for people with BPD since the “black and white” nature of these religions give them a framework that fits their world view.)
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that is potentially self-damaging, e.g., uncontrolled spending, reckless driving, substance abuse, dangerous sexual acts or unsafe sex, binge eating, thrill seeking or risk taking behaviors. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. This can be manifested as overt suicide attempts, drug or alcohol abuse, unsafe sexual behavior, or as a pattern of “living dangerously”; this also includes cutting, burning, piercing, and sexual self mutilation. (Often felt suicidal)
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days. People with BPD are intensely moody and volatile emotionally – mood swings and huge shifts occur seemingly “out of nowhere”. This is why people with BPD are often misdiagnosed as having Bipolar disorder, and therefore improperly medicated.
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. Generally manifested as sadness, loneliness, isolation, aimlessness, feeling empty without a project or relationship to distract them. People with BPD’s low self esteem is often masked by public displays of ego, feelings of superiority or an intense need to control themselves, other people, places and events.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger e.g., frequent displays of temper, uncontrolled anger, violent rages, recurrent physical fights, threats, sexualized expression of anger through violent or abusive sex.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
BPD may manifest as a belief that those who love them wish to hurt, control or destroy them. This is especially common in times of stress. Ongoing belief that they are being followed, threatened, observed or are always at risk. BPDs see the world as a dangerous and frightening place and remain constantly on guard, even in safe environments and with safe people. (all her past relationships have tried to hurt or kill her).
People with BPD are often very charming, funny and engaging when they are not suicidal or raging. They work hard at covering their tracks; generally only those who are very close to them are aware of the emotional roller coaster going on inside. People with BPD frequently project their issues onto others. “I don’t have a problem – YOU have a problem.”
As a result, people with BPD often live lives of misery, remaining undiagnosed or misdiagnosed, and therefore improperly treated. Borderline personality disorder is very painful for both the person with BP and the people in their life.
Borderline Personality Disorder is treatable with conventional therapy, geared toward impulse control, anger management and behavior modification, and also responds well to proper medication. Sadly – the overwhelming internal chaos, fear and shame often result in People with BPD refusing treatment. Treatment for BPD is a long term process, but can lead to a much better quality of life for the Person with BPD and their partners and families.
BPD generally coexists with other illnesses. These are the most common:
Post traumatic stress disorder
Mood disorders (Bipolar Disorder, Unipolar Depression, and other Affective Disorders.)
Panic/anxiety disorders
Substance abuse (54% of people with BPD also have a problem with substance abuse)
Gender identity disorder
Attention deficit disorder
Eating disorders
Multiple personality disorder or Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder
Statistics about BPD
2% of the general population
10% of all mental health outpatients
20% of psychiatric inpatients
75% of those diagnosed are women (Note that this does not mean 75 % of people with BPD are women!)
75% have been physically or sexually abused
Relationship Dysfunction
BPD seems to be highly triggered by entering a relationship, possibly because a greater feeling of safety allows them to let down their guard and drop the mask with their partners. People with BP tend to be hyper-vigilant and never feel safe, remaining on guard at all times. Relationships bring intimacy issues and fears bubbling to the surface in all people, this seems to greatly trigger the BPD’s symptoms and acting out. People with BPD are often abusive in relationships, yet do not see or fail to recognize or take responsibility for their behavior. BPD behavior is a defense mechanism against overwhelming internal pain and chaos; it therefore seems normal and justified to them.
People with BPD tend to have a repetitive series of short, intense, drama driven relationships. They typically worship and adore their partner in the beginning, then shift to seeing the partner as the source of their problems. They frequently fail to see their role in the cycle, and often project their issues onto the partner. People with BPD often have relationships which collapse in rage, bitterness and chaos once the devaluation part of the splitting cycle kicks in.
You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:
Is jealous or possessive toward you. (Jealous of kids, time, wants devoted attention)
Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.
Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.
Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.
Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with. (Uses sexuality to control)
Abuses drugs or alcohol.
Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for co-dependency.)
Blames you when he or she mistreats you.
Has a history of bad relationships.
Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.
You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.
Makes “jokes” that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.
Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.
Your partner “rages” when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.
You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones.
You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it’s the right thing to do.
Types of emotional / physical / verbal abuse common in people with BPD:
DOMINATION / CONTROL: The internal chaos of the person with BPD’s emotions often gives them a desperate need to control external events, situations and people. The internal world is so out of control – so external control gives them the sense of stability they lack internally.) They must have their own way, and will resort to manipulation, emotional blackmail, episodes of raging or physical threats to get it. For their partner this creates constant anxiety, fear, erodes self esteem and creates a climate of resentment.
VERBAL ASSAULTS: berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening, shaming, excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation. Blowing the non BP’s flaws out of proportion.. Over time, this type of abuse utterly erodes the partner’s sense of self-worth, esteem and confidence. Some people with BPD may disassociate during rages; they will honestly not remember the emotional abuse they dish out. Other people with BPD deny having been abusive; inability to accept responsibility for their actions and behavior is a common attribute of BPD. (See Gaslighting below.)
ABUSIVE EXPECTATIONS: People with BPD generally lack self-soothing skills – they are unable to calm themselves and typically look for this soothing from their partners. The person with BP may place unreasonable demands on their partner and want the partner to put everything else aside to tend to their needs. People with BPD expect that relationships will ease the chronic emptiness they feel, and can become resentful and enraged when the relationship fails to meet their every need. Abusive relationship expectations may include demands for constant attention, frequent sex, a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person, or give up everything else in your life. Because these expectations are based in the chemical / emotional imbalance no matter how much you give, it’s never enough. You may be subjected to constant criticism, and are berated ((made to feel guilty)) because you can’t fulfill all this person’s needs.
HARASSMENT / STALKING BEHAVIOR: People with BPD lack object constancy. When a person leaves (even temporarily), they may have a problem recreating or remembering feelings of love that were present between themselves and the other. “Out of sight out of mind.” Non BP’s know that” even though ______ is at work right now they still love me.” People with BPD cannot reassure themselves that this is so. Partners of people with BPD frequently report that the person with BPD will telephone them often to reassure themselves that the partner is still there and still loves them. If the partner is busy or unavailable the person with BPD may become enraged. If they can’t see their partner they cease to exist for them – triggering deep seated abandonment fears.
EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL / MANIPULATION: The person with BPD may play on the non BP’s fears, guilt, compassion, values, or other “hot buttons” to get what they want. This may include physical threats, withholding affection (the “cold shoulder”), harassment, stalking behaviors, threatening phone messages / email, or use of other threats and / or fear tactics to control the partner.
COMPULSION TO VIOLATE BOUNDARIES: People with BPD often have a compulsive need to violate the boundaries of people and institutions. People with BPD see healthy boundaries in others as limits imposed on them and act out in many ways to assert their control. This manifests as habitual rule breaking, scorn for / resentment of authority figures, being asked not to do or say something to you and repeatedly doing it anyway, sexual violation, refusal to honor requests from their partner etc. BP’s often unconsciously seek out partners who have difficulty enforcing their boundaries or expressing their anger. This drains the partner’s energy, makes them feel under constant attack and erodes self-esteem.
UNPREDICTABLE RESPONSES: Drastic mood changes, sudden emotional outbursts, or constant demands. This behavior is damaging because it puts one always on edge. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what’s expected of you. You must remain hyper-vigilant, waiting for the other person’s (manipulated demand) next outburst or change of mood. This is exhausting and wears down the partner’s energy and self esteem. An alcoholic or drug abuser is also likely to act this way. Like all mental health issues, BPD is difficult to diagnose while a person continues to use drugs or alcohol; as it’s hard to separate the addictive behavior from symptoms of other disorders. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the partner to feel constantly frightened, unsettled or off balance.
CYCLING BETWEEN NEED AND RAGE: The person with BPD may cycle rapidly between being very needy and childlike and being rageful and verbally abusive. This is extremely unsettling for their partners because you never know what to expect at a given time.
GASLIGHTING: The person with BP will deny your reality and undermine and devalue your perceptions. They will frequently deny that events occurred, lie about their actions and behavior, or deny that they said or did certain things. In some cases this is not a conscious deception. If a borderline has been disassociating,* they may indeed remember what happened very differently. For their partners this is extremely disturbing. It leads them to doubt their own experience, reality and eventually their sanity. Ironically, the partners of BP’s often present for treatment first with statements like “I feel like I’m going crazy” or “I don’t know what’s real anymore.” (note: this is even more dangerous in a magnetic spiritual leader who controls the reality of their students).
*Disassociation is a state of not being present, browning out, losing time etc. Some BP’s disassociate during episodes of raging. They may have no memory, or only partial memory of things they say or do when angry.
CONSTANT CHAOS / CRISIS MAKING: The person with BPD often seems to be in constant conflict with others. (Neighbors, friends, lovers, co-workers etc.) They may deliberately start arguments for the sake of excitement. Simple problems or issues are frequently blown out of proportion to crisis status. The person with BP may be “addicted to drama” since it creates excitement. (Many non-BPs also are addicted to drama.)