By Chiara Wood
When I resigned from the Training, I did so officially quite a long while after I was unofficially Gone! It didn’t seem important for me to officially resign. My idea was to kick back and further kick back. I had already not been going to most of the classes, meetings, parties etc. for some time. But I didn’t consider myself Out of the Training.
I was often confronted by Faye and other alleged upper-levels as to my non-participation, I could only offer that I was busy living my already big life as an “Ascended Master Teacher”! serving in my own community where I was called “to walk amongst the people”
It was my curiosity to go to L/7 that started the downward spiral that would eventually force me to see the fuller truth of what the Training was. That was the year we were given a chance to go without having taught first. I hadn’t planned it, because I had no intention of teaching – ever. But at the L/6retreat that year, I was surprised to suddenly find myself asking Faye if I could go to L/7. When she asked me if I had been doing all the requisite work i.e.: teaching, leading meetings etc. a chasm separated what she expected from me and what I had been thus far willing to do. I was told that I would have to show her something more….but: What? She said she’d know when she saw it.
How many of us have had that kind of vague, non specific answer to a question and been told it was Faye’s fabulous stalking, then been admonished when we had no idea what the right answer might be, and then felt stupid, guilty or anxious for not somehow knowing. Prior to coming into the Training I always had a lot of curiosity and questions. From L/2 on, that got “trained” out of me by shaming, instilling self-doubt and the cold shoulder.
But, of course, I was allowed to go to L/7 as if it were an honor bestowed upon me from the twinkling dollar signs in the founder’s eyes. I got wrapped in L/7 importance. Having then made the commitment to myself to teach, I went about the relentlessly abusive process of doing that. It was the process of being ‘trained’ to teach that furthered my disgust with the Training. I hadn’t ever wanted to gather a following into the Training and I was really forced to look at that closely-.which made me more anxious and uncomfortable.
My thought about my involvement in the Training had always been: it’s OK for me to go through all this, but I wouldn’t be able to honestly recommend it to anyone else. Not to worry-.those closest to me saw the torture of my enlightenment process and had no desire to follow. Yet, the Training remained compelling to me.
I became a popular teacher after I was “cleared”, and anyone who has survived the process of getting past the horrific teacher-training and then the actual teaching of your first L/1 class understands the relief and sense of accomplishment that goes with it. I had another class already lined up, however, as soon as I was cleared , I was compelled to immediately rewrite my notes to reflect what I could actually bring myself to teach and I edited out the stuff I thought was damaging, incorrect, unverifiable or just plain stupid.
Before my last L/6 retreat, I had decided to go on to L/8, for all the same reasons I ever went on in the Training, namely: compulsive curiosity and the fear of missing out on something important. At L/8 I found that the next twist to the story, the healing, the “battle”, the dynamic, tweaked my desire to ask questions again and the lame explanations did it for me. I began to have regret for all the years spent on someone else’s fantasy, the illusionary friendships, many thousands of dollars spent, family neglected, life unattended to and so much more.
I still had two more L/1 classes scheduled, and it was torture to teach them, even with my cleaned up course notes. Worse still, I had 3 students wanting to take Faye’s L/2 that spring and I could hardly suppress my negativity about that, but I decided it would be the right thing to do, perhaps even necessary to accompany them to the class. Once there, I clearly Saw Faye-who she has become-.saw her “upper” levels-who they have become in their dance to become her clone, especially Jan. Such wretchedness, hypocrisy, lies, vampirism, self-importance, predatory sexual hooks, paranoia, fear and flattery, I was just stunned-and at the same time it produced a subversive giggle deep in my belly and became quite amusing for me! I could hardly take it seriously and a deep schism set in for good.
By the time those students had attended just one L/2 meeting, they were telling me about their experiences and what they saw and they became disgusted as well, but they were also “hooked” on going to L/3! When I explained what commitment was expected to be able to go on, they soon all fell out. Until then, I hadn’t told them that I was no longer going to teach L/1 or participate until I had sorted it out for myself. The sorting is a subtle and complicated process whichI am still sifting through.
In the Training, relationships are difficult, suspect….he might be vampiric, she might be pulling on your energy…one must be always vigilant; there is always danger, always a position to hold. I wish to be free to hold my heart open, without being accused of leaking Energy and without the excessive shielding or violent “striking”. I wish to hold a tone of love in a way that feels true…real…not an intellectual concept or hypocritical dogma.
The only truly loving year spent in close and sacred Communion with my fellows was my L/4-5-6. The way it was with that particular line, that particular year was what I seeking from the Training. Before and after that year was mostly disquieting degeneration, degradation, disgust, despair, disillusionment and distancing. Before that year, I was always on the verge of dropping out. After that year, I was always longing for that one true thing…real Love Tone, real caring and unguarded support for one another. Our particular line really had this.That one year.
I am vowed to hold my heart open. I am vowed to live fully in this present Now moment with my heart held open. I am vowed to acknowledge, encourage and support myself and all others to live the life they wish or need to live.
I don’t want to reject, wholesale, all that I have learned in the Training that has continuing value for me, but I don’t know what, for sure, that might be. When you are IN the Training, questions about it constitutes treason, and the systematic debilitating installation of a program that punishes one for”thinking” or “doubting” the story has been instilled in all of us.
There were many L/6 retreats where “we” (my closest friends) had big questions, big laughs, big concerns about the story, but at the end of the day, we decided that “the story” and the retreat were at least as interesting, more dramatic and sometimes more compelling than a lot of other stuff we could be doing.
At least I felt that way for many years until my last retreat year. By then I was awakened to a larger, more real, more inclusive, more loving, more healing story: MINE! And Faye’s became too fear based, complicated, exclusive and abusive for me. Yet, being tenacious as I am, I complete the L/7 and L/8retreats anyway-.I guess I needed that much more dichotomy to break the hypnotic spell.
I am able to make light of TIP now, that I am removed from it, as I am much more aware of the cloak of darkness that surrounds it than I was when I was inside it. I believe that there was some good within it and I keep those parts with me.
For me, it’s just like a nationality. It isn’t the president or government…it’s the many people who strive to make things right in their communities. It’s the people serving in Catholic Community Services in my neighborhood and all around the world, not The Church. per se.. There are many good people still in the Training…and once we leave we see they are still just wrapped, as we all were, but their goodness (and unhealed areas!) are still intact.
Many people have been very hurt under the guise of being helped. This is the way the Training works it. I spent over a decade in this group. I have had regret about that much of my life spent on what eventually became a lie for me. But it wasn’t wasted. However, striving to become another Faye or any of her pathetic and sparse posse, those upper level robots, is really Nothing to aspire to at all.
I believe that this is why most people drift out early and the Training cannot ever truly grow or have any major influence.
Unfortunately it is taking quite a long time, and I am still discerning and sorting out the dark threads that run all through TIP, as well as the incorrect uses of energy for healing and behavior….and I find the Training to be mostly a swirl of negative energy….viewed from this distance. Still, I don’t regret it. I just don’t look through the glass so darkly any more.
About officially resigning: energetically it makes a significant difference. Anyone who is languishing in this area will not know this until they do formally resign. Be forewarned that from that moment on, you will become little more than a “taint” that needs clearing, or perhaps you’ll be accused of trying to “take down” the Training. Oh well.
By way of my formal resignation from the Training, I offered this quote which I submitted to the boards: I felt I needed no other explanation than this alone:
“Any path is only a path and there is no affront to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you….look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself…and yourself alone, one question: Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good. If it does not, it is of no use.” Carlos Castaneda
My resignation came at a time when TIP was pretending to make an effort to listen, do exit interviews and generally excite people to regroup. I was never contacted by anyone in regards to these areas. And after 11 years in TIP, became a non-entity to the group-even my healing group.
I am extremely grateful I wasn’t as ravished as some have been by the sexual predator: Faye, or her chilly, emotionless upper level power-over mongers. I am grateful to be done with it and I know I will never be able to be”cultivated” again! So be it.
Blessed Be to all those TIPsters still imprisoned and to All who have awakened from that dark dream.